aj (stressed_nos) wrote,

i rarely post, so twice in a 24 hour period is weird for me, and i'm sorry...but no one else seems to be posting today, and i need to procrastinate a little bit more from studying. i probably should have checked the new rule changes, but i guess i'll just put this behind a cut and hope that's enough so, i hadn't taken adderall in a month. when i do take it, i have no appetite, and lose a ton of weight (mostly water weight cuz it dehydrates you, so like half of it comes back pretty quickly once you come off it and start eating again). I keep being afraid i'll start abusing it again and/or taking it just to lose weight. And i can't do that or my dr. will stop prescribing it to me, and stop trusting me, and i can't have that. i need her to trust me, and i need the prescription so i don't have to buy from weirdos on craigslist at ridiculously high prices. And i need the pills to study for med school and the board exams and not fail out. But today, i needed to study, and i'm back on day 1 of my "no binge" plan, and took half a pill. Then, i didn't think the half worked well enough, so i took the other half. It's been hours now, and starting to wear off, and i know that if i take anymore i won't sleep at all tonight, but if i do take more i won't eat dinner or end up binging when i get home from the library, and i can get more work done, and maybe make up for some of my past slacking. This is always how it starts. I take adderall, then more adderall, then more, then i need to relax cuz i'm overstressed and all studied out, so i smoke some pot, take an extra sleeping pill, eat a bunch, gain the weight back, cry, take more uppers, then take more downers when i can't be up anymore, then more uppers, and i torture myself and i obsess about every lecture watched, every tenth of a pound lost or gained, every bite that i even thought about eating, and of course, where the next pill or bowl  or line is coming from. I mean, i have an ED, i have OCD, and of course an addictive personality type, so it's not like i don't obsess about these things normally...but obsessing is different when you're on adderall.... 
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