aj (stressed_nos) wrote,

feeling low...

So, I was really really depressed this afternoon. I didn’t get the huge scholarship I was nominated for, the admissions office of my top choice school closed today so they didn’t send out their decision. I had no one to bitch to and I was just so so moody. I got out of work early because of the storm…I was so ready to binge this evening. Ug. I wanted an entire box of oreos. I wanted Tostitos with salsa. I wanted cocoa puffs. I went to the grocery store to return a movie (there’s a redbox machine there, $1/night) and got another one. I figured I could snack while watching the movie. I walked around the grocery store for an entire hour. I looked at the nutritional information for every single food item in the store that I would ever have considered eating. None of the foods were magical—none of the cereals had 10 calories for a cup- the lowest one was 90 for 3 cups. All of the cool whip had casein in it…a milk derivative, and I’m a vegan. There were no small bags of Tostitos, only bags with 9 servings or more in them. I wandered the store for an hour before walking out with nothing but my movie. I forgot to mention that there is a cop in this grocery store at all hours…the magic of living in Philadelphia. Anyway, I look up as I go to leave, and the cop is following me!! She’s staring at my pockets like she’s trying to figure out what I have in them (I was wearing a large coat and had gloves and the dvd I rented in them)…and staring at me coldly. I was so proud of myself for preventing the binge, for walking out empty handed, and then she made me feel…crazy. She made me feel like what I did was wrong, like I was some freak. I just wanted to run home and cry. I wanted to turn around and scream at her “I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER. LEAVE ME ALONE. I’M NOT A KLEPTO” but I said nothing and left and she stopped following me eventually. I know I should be proud of preventing the binge but I’m just embarrassed and feel like a freak and I’m miserable, even moreso than I was before I went to the store. I am just so depressed right now. I feel bipolar because I was in such a good mood last night/this morning. I have cried so many times today. I feel like I’m losing control, I’m going totally crazy and I’m having trouble hiding it the way I used to. 
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