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the struggle
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Below are the 11 most recent journal entries recorded in aj's LiveJournal:

Thursday, January 21st, 2010
8:33 pm
i rarely post, so twice in a 24 hour period is weird for me, and i'm sorry...but no one else seems to be posting today, and i need to procrastinate a little bit more from studying. i probably should have checked the new rule changes, but i guess i'll just put this behind a cut and hope that's enough involves drugs/may be triggeringCollapse )
Tuesday, January 12th, 2010
1:49 pm
starve all day, binge at night. wake up, depressed about the binge, starve all day, binge at night.

well, it's day, so, i'm starving. And i'm lightheaded and dizzy and everything feels super distant even though that's not the case. i can't bring myself to eat-- i have healthy low cal options with me. i can't even drink my diet coke, the thought of swallowing anything is making me so anxious. I feel crazy. I know that the clementine in my bag, or the apple, or even the luna bar won't make me any more disgustingly fat than i already am. I know that i'm slowing what little metabolism i have down further and further by acting like this. I know this means drinking tonight at my birthday celebration will be a bad, bad idea. but i can't do it. I'm nervous I'm going to pass out during class. At least no one will suspect it's from an ED since i'm so fat.
Friday, November 13th, 2009
6:14 pm
ten years too late...
so all of my body image issues come straight from me, my mother, my own lack of self esteem, but never men. Men i've always felt confident about being able to attain no matter what size i am. until now. i'm back at my highest weight in five years, and it really really sucks. but what sucks even more, is that i have the BIGGEST crush on this guy and feel too self-conscious to hook up with him and left when he tried and now can't get him back. I'm not 15, i'm 25, this is ridiculous. My self worth has never ever depended on a guy, but meeting all of his exs and seeing that they're these beautiful, thin, modelesque women, and i'm this gross blob, and i couldn't figure out why he would possibly be interested in me, and i expressed that out loud because i'm STUPID, and now i'm feeling worse about myself because of him. i don't want to let men drive my body image issues because i make them bad enough by myself. i need him to think i'm not crazy and give me another chance.
Sunday, September 13th, 2009
5:30 pm
been out sick from the community
So, I haven't posted in a few months, but it's been because i've been so ill. Got mono and strep at the same time, had a lot of trouble with a cardiac arrhythmia, and then ended up having to go in for multiple emergency surgeries and blood transfusions. Ever since I got out of the hospital i've been binging non-stop. It started cuz i can't carry anything and at first could barely walk so definitely couldn't cook healthily as usual...so i started ordering out, eating whenever i was remotely hungry trying to help my body recoop. By the end of that week, every meal was ordered out- delivered, i was ordering way too much food, and binging like it was my job. i. cant. stop.
I ordered fresh direct (expensive groceries but delivered right into my apartment) so that i can start just steaming veggies as my meals again, but so far can't break my habit. I have gained thirty pounds this summer trying to recover from being ill and not being able to work out. I have to get rid of this fat, this bloat, and the disgusting blob that is now my body. I feel like i can't fast because i have to focus on school and have some energy, and because i'm nowhere near fully recovered from the surgeries, but it seems to be one extreme or the other...and i need to stop binging.
Sunday, December 7th, 2008
2:17 pm
Feeling psychologically a little better.

So, for as long as i can remember, one of the behaviors i have that i'd now consider eating disordered, is that I only bought clothes a little too small so that i'd have to work to get into them. For months, i've been stressing in med school and my weight has been bouncing up and down like a yo-yo. The hardest part of dealing with this was that it became very difficult for me to leave my apartment-- i'd put on clothes and realize that nothing fit right and i looked too fat and i'd panic, usually ending in a full anxiety attack until i got my new meds. Anyway, over the past month, I have been clothing shopping like crazy, but with one rule: i won't buy anything that i don't LOVE and feel really good in. Everything i buy now has to fit me perfectly, can't be even the tiniest bit too small. Everyone has always told me this would make me feel better about myself, and i guess i never believed them. But it turns out, it's true. Every time i'm feeling down about myself, i put on a nice outfit that covers the bad, accentuates the good, and fits me beautifully, and i feel more beautiful. I obviously am no where near cured. I think about food, calories, weight, fasting, purging, size, bones, and my body 24/7. But it doesn't make me quite as miserable, and i've been happier losing at a slightly lower pace. Of course, it helps that it's now late fall early winter, and clothes cover more. I could never feel this comfortable if i had to be in a bathing suit, like i will have to be in six weeks. Being able to cover as much as possible is a great thing about winter.
Wednesday, June 11th, 2008
9:50 am

10lbs in 20 days challenge!

For all of those who decided to take my challenge, here's the daily post. Comment with your starting weight (yesterday) and today's weight! And anything else you want to share-- what you ate, what workout you did, how you're feeling. 

Friday, February 22nd, 2008
10:05 pm
feeling low...
So, I was really really depressed this afternoon. I didn’t get the huge scholarship I was nominated for, the admissions office of my top choice school closed today so they didn’t send out their decision. I had no one to bitch to and I was just so so moody. I got out of work early because of the storm…I was so ready to binge this evening. Ug. I wanted an entire box of oreos. I wanted Tostitos with salsa. I wanted cocoa puffs. I went to the grocery store to return a movie (there’s a redbox machine there, $1/night) and got another one. I figured I could snack while watching the movie. I walked around the grocery store for an entire hour. I looked at the nutritional information for every single food item in the store that I would ever have considered eating. None of the foods were magical—none of the cereals had 10 calories for a cup- the lowest one was 90 for 3 cups. All of the cool whip had casein in it…a milk derivative, and I’m a vegan. There were no small bags of Tostitos, only bags with 9 servings or more in them. I wandered the store for an hour before walking out with nothing but my movie. I forgot to mention that there is a cop in this grocery store at all hours…the magic of living in Philadelphia. Anyway, I look up as I go to leave, and the cop is following me!! She’s staring at my pockets like she’s trying to figure out what I have in them (I was wearing a large coat and had gloves and the dvd I rented in them)…and staring at me coldly. I was so proud of myself for preventing the binge, for walking out empty handed, and then she made me feel…crazy. She made me feel like what I did was wrong, like I was some freak. I just wanted to run home and cry. I wanted to turn around and scream at her “I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER. LEAVE ME ALONE. I’M NOT A KLEPTO” but I said nothing and left and she stopped following me eventually. I know I should be proud of preventing the binge but I’m just embarrassed and feel like a freak and I’m miserable, even moreso than I was before I went to the store. I am just so depressed right now. I feel bipolar because I was in such a good mood last night/this morning. I have cried so many times today. I feel like I’m losing control, I’m going totally crazy and I’m having trouble hiding it the way I used to. 
Thursday, February 21st, 2008
10:08 am
 So day 2 of my fast is going much better than expected already. It's been 36hours + so far. Usually, when i take a hot shower in the morning on day 2, i get really dizzy and lightheaded and have to turn off the water or turn it to cold and sit down. Today, i was totally fine. Then, i went for my walk to work (2 miles, usually takes me half an hour) and i walked it faster than usual and felt fine. I think the cold weather helped. I'm not even a little bit hungry, and my tummy isn't making any noises. Still having period cramps and still bloated like crazy from my period, but i know that it's period weight and i'm dealing with it by just avoiding the scale-- haven't weighed since monday, and i'll weigh in tomorrow b/c it's friday and i always do, but if it's heavier than i want i'll just attribute it to period weight, althouhg it should be going away very soon. my period is doing this weird thing where it's here, but not really here. again. for the past three months it's been doing that, except when i had the surgery, then i bled a ton, but i think that was more from the chunks they took out than like real period. sorry to be so gross today. 
So i'm going out tonight wtih some friends to a bar and a drag show should be really fun. BUT, when you pay the cover charge at the door you automatically get a beer and a shot. First off, the calories in that would ruin my fast. Second, if i haven't eaten in more than 48 hours by that point, i don't think drinking would be a great idea. Ug. I'm hoping jesse will just take my drinks. He knows i'm trying not to drink and he knows that i'm trying to lose weight and is supportive enough of that, but he does like to play devil's advocate and try to get me to break all of my goals, convincing me to eat, drink, hook up...i won't let him do it. i won't be a sucker for peer pressure tonight. 
Water. That is all. I will have made my goal for this weekend, so that i don't feel guilty about my spa weekend but feel that i deserve it. Till then, pure water.
Wednesday, February 20th, 2008
9:59 am

Okay so i'm fasting. I feel DISGUSTING this week. I know that i've lost 23 lbs and i should feel so much better, but quite honestly i feel worse and fatter than i did 20 pounds ago. Maybe it's just because i have my period and i'm bloated beyond belief. but more likely, it's because i'm fat. 
Saturday i have this amazing day planned. My ex bf got me a spa package gift certificate for christmas, and i decided to save it for when i'd lost exactly half of the 50 lbs i needed to lose. Well, i'm just about there and it's scheduled for saturday. I'm having a manicure, pedicure, my eyebrows waxed, and a 90 minute deep tissue massage. Then i'm going shoe shopping, and then i'm treating myself to a movie. I really want to see Definitely, Maybe. I want to be able to really enjoy the day without being too weak, so i think saturday is the day i will break fast. In the morning i'll have half a grapefruit, and for lunch i'll have a salad and an orange.

Monday, February 11th, 2008
2:55 pm
I've now lost over 20lbs since christmas. I wish i could say i felt much different, but i don't. Everyone else in the world seems to notice, but when i look in the mirror i see the same old fat girl staring back at me. 29lbs to go until my summer goal. It still seems so daunting; i'm not even halfway there. but i will be soon, just 5 more lbs. 
I have my first session with my new therapist tonight. Should be interesting. My ex called last night for the first time in almost a month, since i found out he slept with someone else and lied about it and now i have one of the 4 strains of HPV that causes cervical cancer and had to have surgery to have pre-cancerous growth removed. He called twice, then texted. Left me a message to let me know he'd be calling again tomorrow. Hooray. I have my phone set so that it doesn't ring when he calls, but i still recieve messages afterwards. i want him out of my life completely, forever. But he doesn't seem to be getting that hint. I don't want to answer and tell him, because he'd have the opportunity to convince me otherwise, and i'm all too easily convinced. Tomorrow i'm going on an anger fast. I will prove to myself how strong i am. I will be strong enough not to answer the phone. I will be strong enough not to call him when i'm lonely. I will be strong enough not to use food as a replacement for him. I will be strong enough to be thin and happy on my own.
Thursday, November 18th, 2004
1:46 pm
fasting like woah
Hey everyone...sorry i'm not very good at keeping up with posting. I'm on day 3 of a fast, i'm going to have to end tomorrow night because the boyfriend is coming to visit and take me out to dinner, but i think i can get him to take me where i want and get a meal (soup and salad) that is only 380cals. that'll be a 90 hour fast broken by only 380 cals, decent enough for me. i thought this was cute a wieght tracker thingy

hope that worked. Anyway, feeling pretty good about my fast, third day is usually hardest for me and although i've gotten a little bit lightheaded i'm feeling alright. I'm supposed to give blood in two hours, which will give me an excuse if my friends ask why i'm lightheaded or weak. I also get to see "Super Size Me" tonight which should be enough inspiration to skip dinner tonight and make it till he gets here tomorrow. I'm 2.5lbs over my low weight (i'd gained 10lbs), so hopefully i'll hit my low weight by saturday and be able to go from there and be like 152 or so when i go home for thanksgiving. I'd feel great to go home in the NORMAL wieght range after being extremely obese (bmi of 35)in jan/feb. So i just have to get under 154...i'm 158 now, i have a week for four lbs, which would be easy if i could fast but i have to eat friday saturday and sunday :-(. at least i can keep friday in extreme moderation, 380 like i said, but saturday and sunday will be hard. saturday lunch i'm planning on 300, dinner will be impossible cuz of the guys i'm going out with, and sunday i plan to have only either a salad or soup. Then i will fast monday tuesday wednesday until thanksgiving dinner, unless i have hours at work wednesday (i'll need my strength, lotsa lifting). Hopefully i'll be down to 156 by the end of this fast, maintain over the weekend, and only need to lose like two or three pounds next week, though i'd like to lose more. i also have my period right now so i guess i could subtract a little if i was feeling nice, but i'm not. Good luck to everyone, especially those away at school that want to see reactions when they go home!
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